Team Wooly Mammoth Official Code of Conduct

It is clear that membership on the most elite, handsome and stylish European pro cycling team in history comes with many perks.  Endless opportunities to be photographed looking ultra provocative and romantic, being waited on hand and foot by members of TWM International Fan Club, salary bonuses for sharp tan lines and a monthly stipend for essentials, like body bronzer and olive oil to keep the quads adequately moisturized, to name a few. 

But it is more than just fun and games on this squad of cycling legend.  This is serious business.  Our sponsors have stated that just securing a spot on our kit can allow them to completely discontinue all other marketing avenues.  We have pressure to deliver the goods and that takes discipline, commitment and a fanatically followed Team Wooly Mammoth Code of Conduct.

Adapted from the Code of Conduct of the Euro Cyclist by Dom Guiver and Mike Flavell.

1. Image, style, handsomeness and tan lines shall be the primary concerns of the Team Wooly Mammoth Cyclist (heretofore referred to as TWMC). When suffering*, one must focus on maintaining a cool, even composure first and performance second.  Losing is acceptable as long as TWM style remains on point.  Winning races only counts if said TWMC wins with appropriate style, beach bod and mandatory volleyball spike upon out sprinting other less handsome competitors.

*I use the word suffering loosely, as everyone knows a TWMC is never really suffering.  Our superior genetics don't allow it.  The appearance of suffering may be utilized as a ploy to later attack the field, to feign an air of vulnerability with intentions to attract a potential mate or simply because constantly mounting the podium week after week has gotten too boring.

2. Training shall be based solely on feel, while racing shall be lead by sensations, your Eagle spirit guide and your finely tuned Mammoth instinct.  TWMC will never accept or utilize tried or tested scientific training methods.  Any TWMC found in possession of a cadence monitor, heart rate monitor or power meter will be immediately banished from the team website,  removed from the invite list of all inter squad quad massage parties and banned from international competition (in cycling, beach volleyball, body building or StrongMan competitions) for a maximum of 5 years and no less than 18 months.

3. A TWMC shall NEVER, under any circumstances, wear colors other than the glorious and internationally recognized shades of The Arctic Rainbow.  Acceptable colors include and ARE limited to Process Magenta 214C, Olympic Blue 7461C, Russet Brown 175C, Bright Green 348C and Flawless White 543C.  This includes all podium photos, races, training rides, excursions to the tanning salon and day to day life. 

4. Legs shall be SHAVED year-round. ABSOLUTELY NO EXCEPTIONS. 

5. Sharp tan lines reflect the level of training commitment. A prominent line where the TWM kit ends and one’s deep mahogany, olive oiled tan begins is essential to maintaining the TWM image. Artificial tanning is BANNED (except when absolutely necessary - like winter training in the Nordic Tundra or when utilizing night training to harden our hearts with sleep deprivation techniques).

6. All socks, gloves, arm or leg warmers worn must be TEAM ISSUE.

7. Ridiculously stylish eyewear is to be worn AT ALL TIMES without exception.  Especially at traditionally inopportune times, like after sunset, at fancy post victory dinners while sipping fine Italian wine and when sneaking out of a lover's apartment to avoid potential detection by the Tifosi.

8. Male members of TWM are required to maintain suitable facial hair at all times.  Acceptable facial hair configuration include but are not limited too The Pencil, The FuManChu, The Handlebar, The Imperial, The Lampshade and The Walrus.  There are two acceptable hair cuts for both the Men's and Women's squad. The Euro Mullet (a la Tom Boonen) and The Cippolini.  The Cippolini shall be neatly slicked back in a severely euro style, and a helmet SHALL NOT be worn.

9. Saddles and Bar Tape shall be white in color ONLY and shall be manufactured in Italy or France.
Bar tape is required to be cork as well as WHITE IN COLOR. Bar tape shall be kept in pristine white condition. This state shall be achieved by assigning the job of daily bar tape replacement to either a member of the TWM under 23 squad or one of the many TWM soigners. 

10. The TWMC shall ALWAYS have liniment, olive oil or (if desperate or in the tropics) coconut oil applied to his/her legs (and preferably to all exposed skin - minus the face which will have been applied with organic makeup by the team stylist and make up artist for impromptu photo shoots) before appearing in public.

11. Pinarello shall be THE ONLY acceptable frame.  Campagnolo shall be THE ONLY acceptable component.

12. A TWMC shall NEVER, under any circumstances, acknowledge the presence of a cyclist riding a bike costing less than 2000€ in ANY public place. If such a situation cannot be helped, it is CRITICAL that the TWMC regard his “acquaintance” with a patrician mixture of disdain and SEVERE condescension.  Ideal reaction to being approached by such a cyclist is to rapidly press air through the lips while making a Pfft noise, rolling the eyes and immediately turning the other direction.  If said cyclist does not "get the hint" the TWMC must claim to not speak any English and ride off waving your fist in frustration.

13. Any physical activity other than cycling is STRONGLY FROWNED UPON. This includes any form of running (could cause a drastic decrease in quad circumference), swimming (endangers finely crafted tan lines) and their derivatives (this includes walking). The ONLY TWO* other sports acceptable: Beach Volleyball and Body Building.

*In extremely rare circumstances participation in other sports will be mildly tolerated.  Triathlon can be deemed acceptable if and ONLY IF said TWMC has qualified for the World Championships and a team issue kit is worn in all phases of the event (including swimming, kit can be worn under or in lieu of a wetsuit).

14. In a circumstance where any cyclist ever displays aggression or disrespect towards a TWMC, he/she is required to ride up uncomfortably close to his foe and slap them in the face with his team issue gloves.

15. Espresso is a NECESSITY and as such it must be consumed normale or ristretto on a patio (preferably in Italy) in full kit (helmet is optional, but team issue sunglasses and cycling cap are required).  SWEETENERS AND MILK ARE BANNED.

16. All pre- and post-race activity SHALL be conducted under a gazebo (this includes massages, interviews, seductions, and looking fantastic) leaving one in reasonable distance of the Euro-sun to top up one’s enviable tanlines and pose for photos.

17. Post-race, one shall be tied to one's mobile phone, receiving endless calls from:

i. Said TWMC model and international superstar boyfriend or girlfriend, or

ii. Important ad executives concerning modeling contracts. This shall be done under the protection of the post race gazebo.

iii. The French anti-doping agency, explaining again why the "A" sample was clearly flawed and they should move on to the "B" sample.

iv. Team Doctor

18. Team bikes will be built up to purposely violate the UCI weight limit.  When brought to the attention of TWM Director Sportif, all TWMC are to act shocked and play it off as an innocent mistake while attaching prepacked weights to the frame to demonstrate its superiority and lightness.

19. Motivational music during training shall consist of late 90s trance or progressive house, hereby known as 'euro beats, metal or hard core punk.' NO EXCEPTIONS.

20. A gold pendant on a very long, thin chain bearing some form of religious icon is STRONGLY recommended for mountain stages and post race clubbing.

21. While soloing in for a victory, TWMC shall ensure that the TWM jersey is not fully zipped until the moment before crossing the finish line.  Prior to this TWMC shall maintain the full unzip so the TWM jersey flaps seductively in the breeze for at least 75% of the race. 

22. When appearing in a photo spread for a sponsor’s products, TWMC has the option of appearing fully nude and oiled or in a team issue TWM kit.  Smiling is PROHIBITED in all instances.

23. The TWMC shall own a sizable Eagle or other bird of prey and will ensure that she/he is seen walking around photo shoots with it perched either upon his casually outstretched arm or upon his shoulder.  The Eagle should either be white or it should contain three (3) or more colors found within The Arctic Rainbow.  In all interviews TWMC is to refer to his/her pet Eagle, that it is representative of his/her Native American Spirit Guide and team healer/shaman Mark WhiteEagle.